Resources for Caregivers
The following resources were compiled with spouses, parents and family members in mind. This section provides information for those who are affected by someone else's substance use and are some of our favorite materials to refer to.
Parenting can be less than a straightforward job. Especially when your kids are at the age when experimenting with alcohol, tobacco or other drugs may be happening. The following resources and links to resources are provided to give factual information with tools to help your kids make healthy decision and support them when changes are necessary.
Parent Information Series
This 4 part series from Alberta Health Services is designed to provide information through the stages kids might go through from building healthy patterns to supporting them through recovery. Follow the link below to read about these topics.
- How can I teach my young child to deal with peer pressure
- Teaching your children the truth about drugs and gambling
- How do I help my young child be more confident
- How to listen actively to your children
- Teaching your children to talk about their feelings
- How can I help my young child learn to get along with others?
- If you're a parent, you're a role model: How to teach your children by example
- How can I help my child if my partner is addicted?
- Helping your teen work through anger
- The truth about popular drugs
- How do I know if my teen is using drugs?
- How do I talk to my teenager about drugs?
- Raves and Club drugs: How do I protect my kids?
Get It Back
- Helping teens evaluate their drug use
- How bad is my teen's drinking or drug use?
- Does your teen's drug use leave you feeling like you're losing your sanity?
- How to get through to your teen
- Intervening when your teen is using drugs
- Getting help for your son or daughter who is drinking, using other drugs or gambling
- Supporting your son or daughter in recovery
Brain Development and Substance Use
The study of brain development has explored over the past decade. With new technology, significant new research has advanced our understanding of adolescent brain development and the effects of alcohol and other drug use on the developing brain. This emerging science and research is providing new insights about how teenagers make critical and life influencing decisions, including their decisions about drug use. Brain imaging studies suggest that the brain continues to develop through adolescence and into young adulthood (age 25 years). During adolescence, the parts of the brain that are responsible for expressing emotions and for seeking gratification tend to mature sooner than the regions of the brain that control impulses and that oversees careful decision making. This research suggests that maturing adolescent brain may also pose a particular risk toward drug abuse. As parents and those concerned about adolescents information about this research can help guide dialogue with young people.
In the last decade significant scientific discovery has provided us with insight into how the brain works, develops and adapts. The role that substances play in this picture has also began to become clearer. This science understands the adolescent brain as an organ still under development. This development is likely not complete until early adulthood. 90-95% of the brain is developed as puberty finishes and the remaining parts of the brain are not fully developed until the mid-20s. This brain still under development helps to explain the differences we see in adolescent behaviour such as regulating emotions, to weigh out risks and rewards and their attraction towards sensation-seeking behaviours. However, these behaviours are an adaptive process. Through experiencing these behaviours, adolescents are moving away from the dependence they required and thrived with as infants and children, toward independence and transitioning toward adulthood. These tendencies toward novelty and reward, peer-focused interaction and sensation-seeking all draw teens to new, unfamiliar people, experiences and opportunities. In a sense this creates inspiration for them to create their own identity and independence to eventually move out of the home and continue the journey towards maturity.
Circle of Courage
For Partners and Family Members
When someone in a family has an alcohol or other drug problem, everyone is affected. At first, as the problem develops, the family may not understand what is happening. The person with the problem may not see his or her use as a problem, or the person may not be completely open about what is going on.
As the problem becomes clearer, family members may have different ideas about how to deal with it. As individuals and as a unit, family members may struggle to balance their desire to help and protect the person with the need to let the person take responsibility for his or her behaviour. When faced with this situation, family members may:
- feel guilt, shame
- feel grief, depression
- feel loss of control, anxiety
- feel anger and resentment
- experience denial.
If the problem worsens, family members may also begin to feel hopeless.
There may be:
- vague, unclear communication
- escalating conflict, breakdown of relationships
- a gradual shift in roles and responsibilities
- efforts to clean up after or otherwise rescue the person with the problem to protect him or her, or to hide the problem from others
- nagging, threatening
- counting drinks or making other attempts to check how much the person is using.
Finally, family members may attempt to control the person and his or her use, or they may increase their own use of alcohol or other drugs. Family members may also begin to neglect themselves emotionally, physically or socially.
How families can help
Families can play a strong role in recovery. With support from families, people are more likely to stay in treatment and have a successful outcome. Providing that support, however, is only possible if family members take care of their own needs first.
Partners and family members need to look after their own physical and mental health. To do this, you can do the following:
- Set limits. Decide what things you will or will not do, and let your relative or partner know. This sends a message to that person to take control of his or her own behaviour. Family members sometimes “rescue” by covering up or not allowing the relative or partner to experience the consequences of his or her use. This can reduce motivation for change or even make it easier for the person to keep using.
- Make time for yourself. Keep up your interests outside the family and apart from your relative or partner.
- Consider seeking support for yourself, even if your relative or partner is not in treatment. Understanding the problem and the impact it has on you will help you cope. Consider either entering therapy for yourself or joining a self-help or family support program. Local community addiction treatment centres may offer or be aware of these programs.
- Take a look at your own substance use. Might your substance use be a cause for concern? Is your drinking or other drug use a “trigger” for the problem use of someone else in your life?
- Acknowledge and accept that sometimes you will have angry or negative feelings about the situation. Having conflicting emotions is normal. Knowing this can help you to control these emotions, so you can support your relative or partner through recovery. Try not to feel guilty about your feelings.
- Protect yourself physically, emotionally and financially, as necessary. If children are involved, keep them safe.
- Keep up your own support network. Avoid isolating yourself. Keep in touch with friends and family outside the home who can offer support.
- Don’t allow the problem to take over family life. As much as possible, keep stress low and family life normal. Continue to do family activities such as celebrating birthdays and holidays.
- Having a relative or partner with a substance use problem can also strain the relationships of family members who are not using. Different family members may see the problem differently and interact differently with the person with the problem. Family counselling can help to promote family unity, and enable family members to support each other and the person with a substance use problem.
Getting treatment for your relative or partner
It may be hard to get your relative or partner to accept help. Even if the person does realize his or her use is a problem, he or she may not see treatment as useful. The decision to seek help has to come from the person who needs it. There are, however, some ways that family members can encourage a relative or partner. Generally, a concerned and supportive approach is most effective.
Tips for helping your relative or partner
- Learn as much as you can about the causes, signs and symptoms of problem substance use. This will help you to understand and support your relative or partner in recovery.
- Communicate positively, directly and clearly. State what you want to happen, rather than criticizing your relative or partner for past behaviours. Avoiding personal criticism can help your relative or partner feel accepted while he or she is making difficult changes.
- Encourage your relative or partner to follow the treatment plan. Encourage the person to attend treatment sessions regularly and to use the support from his or her counsellor or group. Support the person’s efforts to avoid things that may trigger substance use.
- Ask your partner or relative how you can be supportive and create a safer environment (e.g., would the person prefer it if alcohol were removed from the home?).
- As your relative or partner recovers, encourage him or her to begin to take back some of the responsibilities and connections that might have been disrupted. Getting back the healthier parts of his or her life, such as family, friends, work and hobbies, can help to maintain changes and to rebuild more balanced relationships with family members.
- Recognize that recovery may not be completely smooth. Relapse is often a part of recovery. Have realistic expectations and encourage realistic goals. Prepare a plan for your response to relapse, if it should occur. A relapse can escalate to a return to problem use. If this occurs, decide on your actions and limits, and communicate these clearly to your relative or partner.
- Give hope. Remind the person that no matter how hard the struggle, recovery is possible.
Relationship with a partner
A substance use problem can profoundly affect an intimate relationship. Feelings of resentment, anger and loss of trust can lead to distance and hostility in the relationship. The non-using partner may feel betrayed due to past actions. He or she might also have taken on more responsibilities than seem fair. Over time, a partner may begin to feel more and more in a parental role, eroding the couple’s bond. If the partner with the substance use problem does reduce or stop use, it will still take time, patience and a great deal of effort to rebuild what might have been lost. The partner might have been using substances to deal with stress and need to learn new skills to deal with life pressures.
If your partner is willing, meet with his or her counsellor. A meeting can help you to better understand treatment and to learn ways to be supportive and encourage progress.
Support groups for family members can also help. Later on, as your partner enters the action or maintenance stage, consider couple therapy with a marital or couple therapist who understands addiction. Such therapy can help improve communication and strengthen the relationship.