Caregivers

The following resources were compiled with partners and families in mind. This section provides information for those affected by someone else’s substance use and is some of our favourite materials to refer to.

For Partners and Family Members

When someone in a family has an alcohol or other drug problem, everyone is affected. At first, as the problem develops, the family may not understand what is happening. The person with the problem may not see his or her use as a problem, or the person may not be completely open about what is happening.

As the problem becomes clearer, family members may have different ideas about how to deal with it. As individuals and as a unit, family members may struggle to balance their desire to help and protect the person with the need to let the person take responsibility for his or her behaviour. When faced with this situation, family members may:

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    Feel guilt, shame
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    Feel grief, depression
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    Feel loss of control, anxiety
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    Feel anger and resentment
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    Experience denial

If the problem worsens, family members may also begin to feel hopeless.
There may be:

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    Vague, unclear communication
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    Escalating conflict, breakdown of relationships
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    A gradual shift in roles and responsibilities
  • 4

    Efforts to clean up after or otherwise rescue the person with the problem to protect him or her, or to hide the problem from others

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    Nagging, threatening
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    Counting drinks or making other attempts to check how much the person is using

Finally, family members may attempt to control the person and his or her use, or they may increase their own use of alcohol or other drugs. Family members may also begin to neglect themselves emotionally, physically or socially.

Families can play a vital role in recovery. Families’ support makes people more likely to stay in treatment and have a successful outcome. However, Providing that support is only possible if family members take care of their needs first.

Partners and family members must look after their physical and mental health. To do this, you can do the following:

 

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    Set limits. Decide what things you will or will not do, and let your relative or partner know. This sends a message to that person to control their behaviour. Family members sometimes “rescue” by covering up or not allowing the relative or partner to experience the consequences of their use. This can reduce motivation for change or make it easier for the person to keep using.
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    Make time for yourself. Keep up your interests outside the family and apart from your relative or partner.
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    Consider seeking support for yourself, even if your relative or partner is not in treatment. Understanding the problem and its impact on you will help you cope. Consider entering therapy or joining a self-help or family support program. Local community addiction treatment centres may offer or be aware of these programs.
  • 4
    look at your substance use. Might your substance use be a cause for concern? Is your drinking or other drug use a “trigger” for the problem use of someone else in your life?
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    Acknowledge and accept that sometimes you will have angry or negative feelings about the situation. Having conflicting emotions is normal. Knowing this can help you control these emotions to support your relative or partner through recovery. Try not to feel guilty about your feelings.
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    Protect yourself physically, emotionally and financially, as necessary. If children are involved, keep them safe.
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    Keep up your support network. Avoid isolating yourself. Keep in touch with friends and family outside the home who can offer support.
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    Don’t allow the problem to take over family life. As much as possible, keep stress low and family life normal. Continue to do family activities such as celebrating birthdays and holidays.
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    Having a relative or partner with a substance use problem can also strain the relationships of family members who are not using. Different family members may see the problem differently and interact differently with the person with the problem. Family counselling can help to promote family unity and enable family members to support each other and the person with a substance use problem.

It may be hard to get your relative or partner to accept help. Even if the person does realize his or her use is a problem, he or she may not see treatment as useful. The decision to seek help has to come from the person who needs it. There are, however, some ways that family members can encourage a relative or partner. Generally, a concerned and supportive approach is most effective.

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    Learn as much as you can about the causes, signs and symptoms of problem substance use. This will help you to understand and support your relative or partner in recovery.
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    Communicate positively, directly and clearly. State what you want to happen rather than criticizing your relative or partner for past behaviours. Avoiding personal criticism can help your relative or partner feel accepted while making difficult changes.
  • 3
    Encourage your relative or partner to follow the treatment plan. Encourage the person to attend treatment sessions regularly and to use the support from their counsellor or group. Support the person’s efforts to avoid things that may trigger substance use.
  • 4
    Ask your partner or relative how you can be supportive and create a safer environment (e.g., would the person prefer it if alcohol were removed from the home?).
  • 5
    As your relative or partner recovers, encourage them to take back some of the responsibilities and connections that might have been disrupted. Returning the healthier parts of their life, such as family, friends, work and hobbies, can help maintain changes and rebuild more balanced relationships with family members.
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    Recognize that recovery may not be completely smooth. Relapse is often a part of recovery. Have realistic expectations and encourage realistic goals. Prepare a plan for your response to relapse if it should occur. A relapse can escalate to a return to problem use. If this occurs, decide on your actions and limits, and communicate these clearly to your relative or partner.
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    Give hope. Remind the person that recovery is possible no matter how hard the struggle is.

A substance use problem can profoundly affect an intimate relationship. Feelings of resentment, anger and loss of trust can lead to distance and hostility in the relationship. The non-using partner may feel betrayed due to past actions. They might also have taken on more responsibilities than seemed fair. Over time, a partner may feel more and more in a parental role, eroding the couple’s bond. If the partner with the substance use problem does reduce or stop use, it will still take time, patience and much effort to rebuild what might have been lost. The partner might have been using substances to deal with stress and need to learn new skills to deal with life pressures.

If your partner is willing, meet with their counsellor. A meeting can help you to understand the treatment better and to learn ways to be supportive and encourage progress.

Support groups for family members can also help. Later on, as your partner enters the action or maintenance stage, consider couple therapy with a marital or couple therapist who understands addiction. Such therapy can help improve communication and strengthen the relationship.